Good Reasons Not to Say I’m Sorry

What’s wrong with saying “I’m Sorry?” Nothing. But the impact of those words may not fit with your intention of saying them.

What is the purpose of “I’m sorry”? What does it do? It depends.

Saying “I’m sorry” might

Show remorse

Show that you realize the hurtful impact of your words or actions

Repair a rift in a relationship

Connect with someone who you’ve hurt

Help someone else feel better

Or saying “I’m sorry” might

Help you to feel better about yourself

Avoid discomfort of seeing someone else’s pain

Get past the experience as quickly as possible

Shut down further conversation on the topic

A great way to see the dynamics of “I’m sorry” is to work with toddlers. When my children were in preschool I volunteered every week in the classroom, and the teachers never forced a child to say they were sorry. Here is why: Saying “I’m sorry” was often a way to avoid having to address the impact of an action. When a two-year old said it, it was often totally inauthentic, a forced and automatic response to make the teachers happy and get out of trouble.

Here was the way we handled things instead, when a child was upset about some interaction with another child

Invite Awareness, Non-Judgmentally. The adult helps bring attention to the emotions of all who are involved in a non-punitive and non-judgmental way. (Building empathy, connecting with feelings). Ironically the more remorseful a child feels about what happened the more difficult this step can be for them. It’s uncomfortable to see and feel how your actions or words have caused harm.

Support Connection and Reparation. Is there anything that you need right now? Maybe an ice pack? The children can take action if there is something that would help.

So what does this have to do with adults? When I support training courses for therapists learning to offer empathy to a patient who is angry or hurt by some interaction with their therapist, we do a lot of role playing. It’s a very common and kind response to apologize and say “you’re sorry” if you think you’ve hurt someone. It’s often totally genuine for a therapist in a role play to feel sorry and to say so.

Here is the problem with that though. Many times, the person receiving the “sorry” feels shut down. It can feel like the “sorry” is an end to the conversation, like the other person is done talking and is moving on. Or, it can feel like the person saying “sorry” is making their discomfort even bigger than yours and now you have to be careful not to say anything to make them feel worse even though you feel hurt by them.

In this specific application of empathy, with a therapist offering empathy to a hurt or upset client, the aim is continuing the conversation and deepening it.

Instead of saying “I’m sorry,” which can leave some clients feeling shut down in the conversation, you can:

Offer empathy and understanding for the impact on the other person – restate how they’ve said they’re feeling (feeling empathy), repeat the words they’ve used to describe what has happened and how they’re thinking about it (thought empathy). If they haven’t said how they’re feeling, guess about how they might be feeling and ask them (feeling empathy and inquiry).

Express remorse if it’s genuine, without being defensive or excusing yourself (I feel statements). Own that something you said or did caused pain for someone else. Let them know you see how they’re feeling. Let them know you see the impact.

Invite them to tell you more.

I encourage you to do your own practice and role play to see how it is to hear and receive the words “I’m sorry,” When we do this in training, many people are surprised by this exercise. Again, it’s not to create some rigid rule with right and wrong words to use- there is nothing inherently wrong with saying “I’m sorry,” but can you challenge yourself to offer even more understanding and connection, more willingness to be with discomfort, without rushing to change, fix, or make anything better. Sometimes just having this deeper conversation is deeply healing.